I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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