So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
