Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
