Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize