There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
