shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The uberlube is also flammable
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
