so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
