I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
