mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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