my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
