my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Are my feet made of real feet?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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