My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
