when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
