Kiss
Puke
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
