SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
