Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
