I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
