it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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