She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
