just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
