It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
