Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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