I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
