I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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