Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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