I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm both gender and math confused
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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