My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
50% drunk capacity currently
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
