nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
