my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
