She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
