Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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