My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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