dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
