Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
