Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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