I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
