i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
