I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
