May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
