I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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