you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
