its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Randomize
