I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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