put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
