I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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