I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
