You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
