I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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