I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
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Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
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Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life