i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.