The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.