There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
