at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
