broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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