Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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