Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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