he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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