i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
