my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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