What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
