FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
