Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
